apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
