So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
