So many bounce houses so little time
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I'm up to 9 pic of different guys. I need 4 more boys and each one of the 13 to submit 3 additional pics. I wanna make a penis deck of cards.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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