just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
