weddingsv make me drug and hornr
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Randomize
