He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize