Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
