Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
