I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
