I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Randomize
