I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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