If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
