i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize