Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Randomize
