the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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