i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
