Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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