why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Randomize
