i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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