it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
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