She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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