Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
