I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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