Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
