god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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