It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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