Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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