Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
