god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
