Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
We need to feng shui this bitch.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize