I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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