two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Randomize
