The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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