I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
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