did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
