So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
