Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
