i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
it's not cheating when I paid for it
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
