3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
