i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
No subtext here. People are naked.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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