I heard we made out
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
