i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
