he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
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