i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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