I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Randomize
