if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
