do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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