I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
