How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
