Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
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