fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
