matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Randomize