Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
