my mouth tastes like poor choices
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
