your parents love me but you hate me
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
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