there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
