Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Come share oat with me in your robe
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
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