I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
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