update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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